ANTS OF SECRET GULLY
As broadcast on ABC's "Australia All Over"

by Peter Harris
Copyright Secret Gully

The ants try to get a March Fly into the nest . (Click on photo to see video)

Ants are among the most mysterious and driven creatures on earth. In Secret Gully they come in a range of sizes and temperaments, but they all share a remarkable work ethic and a pathological single-mindedness of purpose.

Except perhaps for the dreamy sugar ants who meander aimlessly through life, stopping frequently to wring their hands and straighten their antennas. Perhaps they are the psychics and philosophers of the ant world, pondering the deeper meanings and tuning into some vast cosmic consciousness.

But the other ants of Secret Gully are typically earthbound and officious. The giants of the local species are the soldier ants. You tread with caution when you cross their territory, keeping a sharp eye out for their nests which are built like miniature volcanoes. Indeed, if you accidentally disturb the nest they pour out of the top like a flow of red hot lava, armed to the teeth with mighty pincers and psyched up to seek destroy. No questions asked, no prisoners taken.

I don't know what they actually do, apart from rolling boulders around and staring belligerently up into the sky. But their bite is severe and they are totally lawless and fear nothing in the world, except of course, the little black ants.

Just below the soldier ant in size, but of equal fire power is the crazy jumping ant. If it takes an instant dislike to you, which is almost guaranteed, it will leap onto you from a vast distance and start attacking. At least if you can see them you can fight back, but the worst case scenario is when they land silently on your clothing and then climb far up the inside of the chosen garment - usually your trousers- before savagely biting.

This terrifying event has been known to cause the most prudish of visitors to immediately strip off all their clothing and leap about slapping wildly at various body parts. To add insult to injury, amazed onlookers are usually rendered totally useless from rolling about on the ground laughing uncontrollably.

The tables are quickly turned when they themselves are attacked, and it's even harder to undress quickly while lying on the ground. The jumping ant is also totally fearless, and shows utter contempt for all living creatures, except of course for the little black ants.

The next size down in the Secret Gully ant list is the meat ant. This character lives in vast nests covered in pebbles and usually constructed defiantly across the car track. Each time a car crosses it causes mayhem, blocking holes, scattering gravel and generally disturbing the nursery. The meat ants swarm out in retaliation, shaking their mandibles at the receding car and proceed to patch up the damage. The meat ant doesn't seem to have any sting but it bites and tears and no doubt if you tarried too long on a nest you'd be reduced to a skeleton before you knew it.

I once trained a band of marauding meat ants to rid the cabbage patch of large green caterpillars. I carefully lured them with juicy caterpillar pieces and before you knew it, the meat ants were swarming all over the cabbages, mercilessly dissecting the green grubs and carting them off in large chunks to the nest. Such was the frenzy that anything that seemed even remotely useful was transported. Aphids, insects, old flowers and even fellow ants.

One meat ant who was busily trying to clean some sticky caterpillar juice from its eyes was immediately set upon by his mates. He backed into a corner of a leaf and valiantly held off two other attacking ants with his spare legs while he quickly finished cleaning himself up and rejoined the workforce.

There's no room for slackers in the ant world. The meat ant is driven by the same single minded ant power which allows no variation from a short list of easy to follow rules and goes something like this.. 1. Do what you're told 2. Do it straight away 3. Don't let you mates get away with anything 4. Report anything suspicious to the queen 5.Stay away from the little black ants.

Next on the list is the terror of the garden, the heavily armoured green ant. This little monster has made a specialty of all the tender zones of the human body... you know the bits I mean...the soft creases at the back of your knees, the hidden area under your arms, your inner thigh and so on. A few minutes of light weeding in the carrot patch can turn into an hour of burning sensations in uncomfortable places. Constant vigilance and frequent inspection is the only way to avoid developing a strong aversion to gardening.

But the supreme ant in Secret Gully is the little black ant. Ruled over by a tyrant queen, the highways and byways of the colonies criss-cross the valley floor. Take a peek under any footstep you take and you will find that you are standing on a black ant freeway. If you block the way they'll simply climb straight up over you and down the other side. These characters don't go round. It's not in their nature.

We believe the driving force behind this midget army is an obese queen with an uncontrollable temper and fickle tastes. One day she'll be screaming for honey, and the next for powdered milk. The third day it will be orange tea cake and the fourth peanut butter.

The little black ants scurry back and forth from the pantry trying to satisfy the demands of the royal palace. They race along impossibly narrow roads marked out with mind controlling chemical substances, bumping heads with every ant going the opposite way. They could choose to use the whole kitchen floor if they wanted, but they stick to the narrow approved roads, obviously under the close scrutiny of Ant Thought Police.

Out in the wilds of the valley floor the little black ants reign unchallenged. No job too big, no job too small! They'll clean up anything from dead insects to dead mammals. The mighty bull ants treat them with great care and respect. One time I watched with interest as a very self important looking bull ant march mindlessly towards towards a black ant freeway. Within seconds he was begging for mercy with packs of black ants fastened onto each leg. He was lucky to escape alive and fled off performing a violent rumba, shaking his tormentors off his legs with every step.

It's late afternoon now and I've spent an enjoyable few hours pondering the mysterious ways of the ants of Secret Gully. A dreamy sugar ant is meditating on the window sill, bathed in the last colorful rays of the setting sun. From the position of the antennas I would surmise that she is in communication with some distant intelligence far out over the ranges and beyond the twilight that is fast enveloping the valley.

I still have much to learn and perhaps the little ants are trying to teach me something in their own strange and unique way. You certainly have to keep an open mind on these things.